Not My Love Life!!!

haven't written on this in a while... been thinking a lot about things


and Changing...

it's kinda weird... people have been telling me i have been changing.
i don't feel like i have, truly.

etrange. vraiment etrange.


bah.

still in love with love...

it seems i'm the bastard child of romance and love... haha.

laters.

Missed

You were a missed connection
Like Mist almost kisses the surface of a frozen lake
and instead licks the stilled air.

A missed opportunity

Connections

Common interests all over

The bag on your shoulder
The band on your back
The rainbow on your hat
Was testimony
To a possibility,
Yet it was missed.

A missed attempt at seeing through eyes
Into you
And under your skin.

And a connection...
That could have been strong
That might have been more.

Yet,

All this is proof
Of possibilities,

Of possible efforts,
In Future.

s7
Ep 10
Ep 11
Ep 13!!
Ep 14
Ep 15
Ep 16!!
Ep 20!!
Ep 21
Ep 22

I'm Lost
in the touch of her skin
in the color of her eyes
in the warmth of her arms.

Yet why do i find myself
wanting
needing
her

I am drowning

I catch myself floundering in emotion's sea
where i ought not to be

where i should not be

but here i am

lost in her




completely

~ 3:57 , 2/10/08

Holy shit!!! i just slept for an hour and a half... and i dreamed more than i have in a long time...
the first one I was at school... and i was really moody and i was doing something on my computer and all of a sudden a video came on and it was of me and my family as it was when i was 5ish or some thing and i was crying about seeing it and i was complaining about to it to people in the suite and one person said they didn't care... the suite was similar,.. my room was bigger tho... and my "self" fell asleep in the dream.

random interlude where there was nothing

i was in paris... or somewhere because it was a completely different appt. and my mom was being pissy... pissyer than usual... it was my birthday...yet it wasn't the right date, I was supposed to eat mac and cheese shells but she kept asking me to help her with things, well not really i just kept doing random things, like looking for a chair, and all of them were broken and my mom blamed me for them and i told her that it wasn't my fault because i was at school. The one chair that i could sit in was a beach chair and it was covered in random towels... red beach and blue stripe... the ones from my child hood. The spilled over and she called me clumsy in front of my friends. She asked me to catch some shoe polish but she through it at my head and i dodged it. she complained some more and i rebuked. I actually stood up for my self. Somewhere in there there was a baby introduced and i think it was my moms new one... me and my friends got sick of my mom, we went to a random club but she followed us... and when one of my friends was holding the baby, she was slipping it down her legs... it liked that ,., it was a very happy baby. it then fell on the ground where it proceeded to start crying and then i picked it up. the same thing happened again and my mom picked it up scolding my friend about not knowing how to hold a baby.

I came back to school by waking up... I asked what time it was and it was 4ish so i thought i had actually woken up from my real nap, because I fell asleep around 3:30 so... I walked around the suite for a while and talked really intensely to every one (i can't remember any of the conversations) i found myself in bed and went back to sleep

the thirdish one i kept changing inside the dream cos the "me" inside the dream knew it was dreaming. It was a mixture of italy and paris... mostly i was waiting for some guy who we thought to be gay but wasn't... any way we were waiting at a bus station for him... he went to a club that i knew later to be the queen on the champs to test the crowd out. and weirdly it was still light out... so "me" woke up slightly to speed up the dream and he was back... and he had silver hair and he tried to use the black shirt that was in my hand... i had previously taken it off because everyone in the group was partially naked and drunk... and i said "no don't use it... you are not supposed to put white on silver!!!" and he stopped and was like "white and black go together...like your outfit..." and i was like "mixing and having them in blocks on the same thing doesn't work... i mean there is gray but NO!!!" and he stopped. so i turned to one of my friends and was like well he's a fag because he knew about the colors somewhat and he turned around and asked who said that and said... you all suck and all of a sudden my glasses wound up in my pocket and they were broken. "me" woke up slightly and changed them back to being normal. We were standing outside the queen at this point and "me" was bored and woke up.

"I" sat up in bed and was like... wait i don't feel fully awake... and "I" slapped my face and it actually hurt... I walked around and asked the time and it was past midnight so i was like shit i missed things and was pissed... Then i don't know how i realized i was dreaming but i did and i woke up...

i looked at the clock several times in the dreams, but i couldn't read them well... so i looked at one when i woke up and it was only 5 o clock... that was an intense hour and a half of dreaming.

I am sorry if this is a huge mumbo-jumbo... I'm still reeling.... I'll analyze them later.

these reminded me of dreams from a couple of nights ago... i was in paris and there was a huge subway above ground... there was many maps and the terrain was a mixture of marymount's and eabjm's. old friends... and random detours...

I know.... procrastinating again....
so i had a couple of awesome dreams the other night... one was kinda freaky...
the other was REALLY HOT... TRIPLETS!!!! holy shit triplets...

Then this week we had a naked run of hamlet... dave started it... it became strip hamlet...
that was v. fun.

the play is going well. Go see it.

um... well... sleep

O.k.... yeah i know.... i haven't written in a while what was going on in my life so .... here it goes.

I feel different.
I was in a relationship... and then we split up.
I've discovered parts of my past that were hidden in the shadows... which coincidently kept me from moving forward with my life.
I still don't do things i should... i still do things i shouldn't and i don't think that will change to a dramatic extent.
I've found i have problems... more than my everyday ones.
I lost my childhood to a premature adulthood.
I still have not dealt with my emotions.
My crafty sub-conscious is getting harder to trick.

On a lighter note:
I have a job
I'm single
Still a romantic

Dumbledore is GAY!!
I know, completely off topic.

Back to me.
I feel alive,.. more than i have in a long time.

But now,.. sleep. I worked for 12 and a 1/2 hours straight and my second wind just vanished... like an old oak table.

Hahahahaha!

Ok i know i've been lazy lately... but the update is coming... i promise.

Here is an attempt to describe my dreams and possibly decipher from the previous night,... let's see if i can remember the order.
The first one i know was a fantasy... and really doesn't concern any one ;)
The second one was really f'd up!
I was a human... in a pool... having sex... with faries (in human form)... whoa... all of them were girls.. and when they tried to leave in the water, i tried to follow but a voice said if i did then i would become a fairy and be at one with the queen forever. it was weird because i didn't follow... and i thought in the dream i was in love with her.

ok

i'm going to do a direct translation: each aspect of the dream is analyzed...
it comes to this;
in having sex with fairies, i am having sex with my feminine side and touching base with it. It also means i find that part of me intimidating. To be in a pool indicates that I need to understand and deal with my emotions. It also can mean trying to wash away my past.

That's the jist of it anyway...

The third dream was an entire mythological world of warring clans, each clan had an element... which protected it. I was a member of a fire clan, that was called dragona... and you guessed it... dragons were used as steeds, or in my case, i was one... albeit human covered in various dragon traits, like claws and inpenetrable skin... i could fly, breathe fire and kill. i had a double life with two families and was called through portals at random intervals... (the other world was normal) and i fought a pumpkin clan as well as defended myself against a goblin clan attack. It was in a beautiful forest...

the only funny thing was after picked up a pilsbury doughboy and flew with him on my back.

Oh.. and breathing fire has an after taste of acid reflux...


The basic jist of this one is change, passion, love and peace. and again with the feminine pumpkin.

There is more said... but i find i like to keep some things private.

I'll write about my week later...

She comes back to tell me she's gone
As if i didn't know that
As if i didn't know my own bed
As if i never notice
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead
And she said losing love
Is like awindow in your heart
Everybody sees the wind blow



Just remembering listening to it in the car and my father turning around to smile at me while we sing together in complete harmony. It's the small moments i miss most, the little times we spent together... BBQing on a sweet summer evening, him throwing me into the deepend of the pool from the shallow end, us lying in the hamock and him reading me a story, us playing catch in central park...

I was his son.

My brother was inside... enough said.

I was his daughter.

I danced with him at the father daughter dance... (while wearing something my mom picked out for me,)

I was his.

He always told me about the moment he first held me in the hospital, he said he looked in my eyes, and saw him, and saw i was his.

Happy moments that were happy.
Happy moments that make me cry now.

lots of work, spent about 5 hours in the library writing an essay...
etc etc.
found the video of the song i love from ddr...
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3630674683262196489
le voici.
interesting weekend... made out with a friend of igors in front of him and it was sooo awkward.

This weekend was totally awesome...
went Rocky Horror with a lot of people, i brought my own glowsticks... and it turned out they were selling them! It was really funny, the security person said i brought them because it is always a permenant rave for me... so right...
right now i am addicted to cracking them and raving for a good 2 hours or so...
So i was envious of Kindess because he got to bite some hard candy off a bra of one of the characters.
and the story's a bit long but i was sooo close to hooking up with someone... i was very frustrated afterward back on campus.
I've been getting a lot of packages... i now can add Ant and Queer Duck to my dvd collection...
uhh i've been so tired lately...
bah humbug.

Am I missing something? (Plilosophically, that is)
Till next time:

La Vita Est Vocanti
L'Amo Est Vocanti

hey,
i'm using my livejournal as a place to keep track of which purgatori issues i want and have.

Purgatori Comic Series

* Purgatori: Vampire's Myth , bought all three.
* Purgatori (Monthly Series)#2 and 5
* Purgatori: Dracula Gambit #1
* Purgatori: Goddess Rising, maybe it's this one, bidding on 1-3 of empire?
* Lady Death vs Purgatori (One Shot) not yet
* Purgatori: Darkest Hour (2001) i have the 2nd of 2.
* Purgatori: The Hunted (2001)
* Purgatori: Mischief Night (2001)
* Purgatori vs Chastity
* Purgatori: Heartbreaker (2002)
* Purgatori: God Hunter (2002)
* Purgatori: God Killer (2002 - Final Series from Chaos Comics) got #2
* Purgatori (2005 - via Devil's Due) have 1 thru 6 of 6 so far....

back at school,
my college boxes came back over 24 hours late... i was very pissed off.
The suite is very sweet. We're getting a collective freezer in 2 weeks.
my room is getting cleaner. whatev.
still bummed... will be for the first semester tho...

On a lighter note:
Went to a foam rave... it was toootally awesome.
Dante got the wrong bracelet so we drank...
had my eyes on a girls stomach most of the night, as well as having fun with her in the bubbles...
ung i wanted her.
by the end of the night i was totally smashed and had water in my shoes.
it was fuuuun.

BTW I spoke to my father.

HIDYHO!!!
its been a fing long time since i updated...
ummmmm
yeah
riiiiiiggggghhht.
new york
summer
esprit
raves
DANTE!!!!!!!
sam
mom
ummmmmmmm,....
ok
amy...
pride
ummmm
i still want some nookie
i got a phone number
um...
golf tournament
work fun weekend
...
clubs

i repeat...
I WANT SOME NOOKIE!

okidoki....
sorry for the delay.

Ok, update!
Paris Thursday...
Friday night-hung out with friends
Sat night - Zero de conduite... got smashed...
Sunday - harry et moi at montmartre...
same on monday - - - - BDAY!!!!!
Great day... great dinner... moms going to get me an external hard drive....

and talking about HARD drives... he he he...
oh AMY!!!! (and warren) i've got the extra appendage for the movie and i'm not afraid to use it...
we still need a script...

hooo boy.... havn't updated this thing in a looooong time.
this is proof that i can never have a journal.

Although not a lot has changed:
Still trying in my classes
Still in love
Still a silly UUer
Still have friends
which is good... i guess...

i still feel i am missing something even though i'm high on life every day...
*sigh*

Can't wait 'till the summer... lots of museums and poetry. plus books.
Hopefully i will be working at barnes and nobles this vacation... and seeing amy and sam. a lot.

Ok:
now for the funny moments.... wait for it...

I was used as a sex object by my sexy friend Amy (amy i hope your happy...) who was striping!!!! I've said it once i'm goin to say it again:
I LOVE Ties!!! (it was for rocky horror)
Drag night was kick ass... ahhh cute girls in drag... mmmmmm
Saw Chris Pureka on Sunday.... she was awesome...

Been cuddly a lot lately...

My bday is coming up!!! YAY!!! time to PARTAY!!!
and i really need some... unghhhhghghg....
BABY BOY!!! on saturday!!!
i have a kick ass class thingy..
ahhh college.

played a game in the peace room with UUers... person was surprisingly right about me... based on stereotypes...
Name: Emma
Age: 18
Status: Single
Major: She said BIO, hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! I am not that suicidal.
Desired future home: London (or, more likely... amsterdam or new york.)
Fantasy date : Going to a poetry reading with someone you love... (WOW!!! How very accurate... When they prodded me asking who i turned red... and amy embarrased me by saying it was some one at brandeis)
Last meal: can't remember what she said... but i corrected her by saying it was a bacon cheese burger with fries and a chocolate shake.
What would i do in the last hour of my life : Skydiving... right.... i would do it right before i knew i was going to die... because i am scared shitless of doing it now.
Fav song: U2's And i still havn't found what i'm looking for. surprisingly right about me... yet not my fave song.

packed weekend... liquid latex, alix olson (every one after thought i was going out with amy...), urinetown, deis-a-thon, UU...

I have found the peace room!!!! I love it... and not only because it is so queer!!!

I saw her again... my heart was being ripped out... again... ughh...
i don't know whether i want her out from under my skin, or i want to end this pain by being with her...

Will be making a movie next semester.... with warren and amy... called "I left my strap-on in paris" which, quite literally, i did......
and the femme character is going to be named .... yes u guessed it... paris.
well
bed

Went to New York this weekend to see mom... totally not worth it,.. the only good thing: Saw Sam and my bro.
Got lectured... totally.
I'm really high on pixi-stix right now...
missed a lot of parties this weekend,.. although we might be getting drunk again this weekend!! it is alix olsen weekend!!!!! (as well as liquid latex, urinetown, brokeback mountain, and my godmother in town! woow that is a packed weekend!!)
:)
now for the :( - shes still going out with that girl... ughh...
yet i had a dream a while ago, which happens to be very significant...
i was standing across from two people her, and a friend of mine that i care for. A and B. a had a knife, and she about to cut me, but she sliced through air... but i started to bleed!!! no contact yet i had a cut so deep... she also air cut my wrists and the blood dripped down my hands... person b proceded to take my hands and lick the blood clean off my hands. My wounds healed on my wrists. no scars. she then inched closer to my neck, which there was no blood...
And I woke up!!! The fucking good part I woke up!!!! ughh... as usual...
Fairly significant.... it basically means i'm not going to get with A, and i am going to go out with b.... who is going to make me forget... well at least this is the near future.
mmmm... a little tired now...
well, whatev.